Always Scared
by PepperPen
Summary: Just a small Naomi/Emily/Sophia story...


**Ok, so this is my first ever fanfic so comments and suggestions would be really helpful. This is basically the lead up to Naomi sleeping with Sophia, a kind of understanding point of view, hopefully I've managed to do the characters justice... **

_"What the fuck is wrong with me?"_ Naomi Campbell thought as she sighed silently, her gaze never leaving the sleeping redhead. Never before had Naomi imagined being so concerned by anybody's breathing, other than her own. It was one of her secret pass times, watching Emily sleep. If only she didn't do it so quietly, so gently. Naomi couldn't count the times she'd scared herself, unable to stop her mind imagining an inhale without an exhale, couldn't count the times she'd frantically, with bated breath held her hand to Emily's chest or back waiting for the familiar heartbeat. Emily did everything so softly, sweetly, even when she tried to be rough, grabbing Naomi's hair, biting her neck, she did it with such immeasurable love.

Naomi reached out, carefully brushing a wisp of hair from Emily's face, smiling as she remembered the first time they had shared her bed, how desperately she had wanted to touch this irritating, confusing, beautiful creature. Overwhelmed, she realized for the thousandth time that she could touch her now, whenever she wanted, without hesitation and was unable to stop herself from placing a tender kiss to the lips of the sleeping girl beside her. Emily smiled in her sleep, stretched out and naturally snuggled into Naomi who willingly wrapped her up.

"Bollocky fucking fuck!" was the sound that awoke Naomi, who to her dismay, realized that Emily was not in her rightful place beside her. Sitting up in the bed she closed her eyes and waited for her girlfriend to come back to her, no doubt ranting about whatever it was that made her yell so loudly. Sure enough within seconds Emily came hopping into her, _their_**,** bedroom impressively holding her right foot in one hand and trying, unsuccessfully and pointlessly, to keep a towel around her body with the other. "I stood on my fucking, shitty, bastard hair straighteners!" she grimaced."And seemed to have developed tourettes as a result..." Naomi replied with an amused smile, but gently taking the assaulted foot in her hands, examining it carefully and placing 3 little kisses on the tiny burn that was becoming as red as Emily's hair. Emily visibly relaxed at this loving gesture, a slow grin appearing on her face, dimples restored on peachy cheeks. "Thanks, much better." She murmured. Naomi placed another, playful kiss on the arch of Emily's foot and settled back into the comfort of the pillows, a silent invitation for Emily, who naturally followed into her girlfriends arms. "Hey, I picked up some traveling brochures yesterday, they're at home but i'll bring them over tonight!" Emily announced, her excitement evident as she punctuated her statement with a kiss to her girlfriends nose.

_"Fuck, she was really serious." _Naomi thought with a feeling of panic, when Emily first mentioned taking a year out, traveling, Naomi had thought it was just post-sex romanticism, she'd encouraged it, reeling of places to visit while sleepily trailing kisses over Emily's neck and shoulders. The next day when Emily had mentioned heading over to the travel agents, the happiness that radiated from the small, brown eyed beauty temporarily blinded Naomi into once again agreeing without hesitation to whatever Emily was saying. Naomi wanted to spend all her time with Emily, no question. Wanted to spend her life with Emily. But she had dreams too. Dreams that were with her long before this red headed whirlwind had came and disrupted her life in the best possible way. Naomi guiltily thought to the University brochures waiting in the bottom drawer of the spare bedroom. _Not hidden, just put away... Safe. _

For the next week or so, the days melted into each other, a perfect haze of tender kisses, warm duvets and endless expressions of love. Somehow, during the hedonistic lazy summer, Naomi never managed to bring up the subject of an alternative future to the one Emily was planning with adorable enthusiasm. _I'm not really keeping it from her intentionally... It would ruin the moment... Now isn't the time... I'll tell her tomorrow... I just don't want to upset her... _By the time the date of the open day arrived it was too late. Before Naomi could stop herself she was saying it; "Ems, about today... I have to go help my mum with some stuff... Volunteer stuff... Lots of lentils... No, trust me, you wouldn't want to come... I'll just see you tonight, OK?" Of course Emily accepted this without second thought, why wouldn't she? Naomi loved Emily and Emily loved her. It was simple. It was trust.

Naomi jumped slightly at the small tap on her shoulder, it was amazing how jumpy people get after they lie. "Sorry! I didn't mean to make you jump... It's just, I mean, we go to the same college... Roundview, right? I'm Sophia... You probably don't know me or anything, but I just thought I'd say hello..." Naomi couldn't decide whether she was annoyed or endeared by the ramblings of the girl who couldn't quite look her in the eyes. It made Naomi feel strange, gave her a weird sense of control, of superiority. She realized fairly quickly that this was how she used to feel around anybody who wasn't Emily. How she used to feel before love broke down her walls, her armor. Emily made her feel lightheaded. Weak. Around her, Naomi was softer, powerless to resist. It was kind of nice, being strong again. "I'm Naomi." Naomi smiled, "Nice to meet you."

By her 3rd glass of wine, Naomi was feeling good, it was easier to justify her actions through a haze of alcohol. Naomi and Sophia had skipped out of the University tour, on Naomi's suggestion, and into the nearest pub. They were talking freely, easily. Something about art, favorite artists. Sophia was talking with such passion Naomi couldn't admit that, actually, she wasn't the expert she had previous pretended she was, opting to mutter something about Damien Hirst and letting Sophia do the rest of the talking. "It sounds stupid, but I feel like I really know you." Sophia suddenly exclaimed, a rosy tint appearing on both cheeks. Naomi offered a half smile as a response and carefully steered the conversation back to unmade beds and sharks in formaldehyde as her own thoughts drifted. _You don't know me... Not really. You only know what I'm letting you see... Not like Emily. She knows me. So well it's scary. She knows how excited I get over new stationary. How I got that scar on the bottom of my back. How I look when I'm asleep. How I want to cry every time I hear the song Fast Car... Shit... I shouldn't be here... I shouldn't have... Fucks sake. Why can't I go one day without thinking of her? Emily Fitch. You make me weak. You make me lose control. _The words came out before she could stop them. "Do you want to come back to mine for a bit?" Naomi knew what Sophia would say. She'd seen that look before, so many times on Emily's face, before she stopped running from her. Naomi knew the answer before Sophia replied, in a voice equally full of hope, fear and longing; "Yeah, alright, for a bit."

The train back to Bristol seemed a lot quicker than the one before. Sophia was talking about her mother, how much she wanted to be an artist, how she was lonely. "I had to lie to mum about the open day... She wants me to be like my dad. In the army... Sometimes I wonder whether it's because she wishes I was dead as well..." Naomi didn't know how to reply, instead she just stated "I had to tell a lie to come here, too." Naomi felt instantly guilty. She didn't have to lie, not really. Emily would have understood. Emily always understood. Whether it was the rush of guilt or the control Naomi felt slipping away that made her do it, Naomi looked at Sophia, and, with a strange look of defiance, took hold of her hand.

The lips on hers were different and unfamiliar. Everything felt foreign, even though it was Naomi's house. First her living room, then her couch, then her stairs, then her bed. It all felt so unreal. Naomi kept expecting the familiarity of Emily's moan as she traced her tongue over Sophia's neck, Emily's whispered voice in her ear, Emily's eyes looking into hers. When it was over, Naomi was calm. Cold. She bluntly told Sophia to leave. She should have felt bad, the hurt in Sophia's eyes reminded her of Emily. _"I do want you! So be brave. Want me back!" _Everything reminded her of Emily. Once Sophia had left, Naomi managed to hold herself together with the same stoic iciness she had so practiced. It was only after every trace of the mistake had been erased did Naomi allow herself to sink to the floor.


End file.
